August 14th

August 14th was the day that our baby was due. Overall, it wasn't a super hard day for me. We were blessed to be with dear friends in Memphis and also were pretty busy. Coming into this summer, I was nervous about about the whole thing. I mean, being here on a trip planned to have a baby, yet not having a baby. In the beginning it was strange, but then life started to feel more "normal". My grief journey has been up and down - maybe that's how it is for everyone. I'll be going along thinking "I'm fine" and then I run into a childhood friend who's pregnant and due at the time I was .

Grief has also been a strange experience. I'm someone who likes to talk about matters of the heart, not just hide them. I've learned that grief makes other people feel strange and they don't know how to respond to the one grieving, so they often chose to not say anything. At first, this was really hurtful to me. But I've learned to give grace and understand that it's often those who have lost someone who can really understand. I remember when I was going through the miscarriage my sister asked other friends of hers to pray for me ( as I was stuck in our capital alone). She was surprised to find out all the women that had had a miscarriage. She said it's like a secret club for those women . She didn't mean that in a disrespectful way, but to say that those who have lost a baby in the womb, or a child in their arms, can fully understand and grief with others. August 14th was a day that I had in a way dreaded this summer, and I was thankful to have a few friends remember that day and message me. Those women have also lost a baby, and have faithfully walked through this with me.

I have realized this summer that we are going through a season of loss - loss of several teammates over the last year, loss of our baby, loss of the life we once knew in our city in Central Asia (serious situation going on there right now). But that's where we are at and I want to fully embrace it . I want to walk through it and be present and available, not just sleepwalk through the hard so I can get to the other side. Who knows what the next season will be like, but I'm going to walk through it trusting in who He is and believing His promises to be real. What else is there?

Thanks so many of you who have prayed for us and our family during this difficult time. We are so grateful to have such faithful friends.