For those who don't know our story -
At the beginning of March (in my 16th week) I went alone to the capital city for a regular checkup with the American doctor there. Although I had felt different emotionally the week before, I had no reason to think anything was wrong. When I got to the capital, I went to have an ultrasound. Here you go to another place to have the ultrasound and then take the results to your doctor. I laid there looking (I can never figure tell what I'm looking at , especially early on) and kept waiting for him to turn the volume up so I could hear the heartbeat. He sat silently. More silence. I realized that something I had always feared over here with pregnancy had come true.
He said that our baby was only at 10 weeks size and did not have a heartbeat.
For several hours after this I couldn't think clearly. Everything was foggy to me as I called Forrest, talked to my doctor, and tried to figure out what I had to do. There are many other details, but basically I had to stay in the capital for 9 days as I waited for everything to pass. Forrest was able to join me for a few days and was with me for the worst part. I had a very kind and compassionate doctor who answered all my questions and listened to my worries, yet still prepared me for the possibility of having to enter the local hospital and have a d & c. Although this is the worst thing we have experienced, we can clearly see how God protected us. I was not in that much pain and and everything passed on its own. Our kids did amazing back home with friends and I had friends in the capital city caring for me and inviting me to their home and crying with me.
What a process this is to walk through. Now I am at home with my family facing the new reality of not being pregnant and not having a baby this year. Everything we had expected for the next year is now completely different. Somehow, this is God's Goodness to us. We have not doubted that, but the pain is still there.
I read this in Elisabeth Elliot's book on suffering concerning George Mueller. When his wife died of rheumatic fever, he preached at her funeral based on Psalm 119:68 "You are good and do good; teach me your statutes." He said:
The Lord was good and did good in giving her to me.
The Lord was good and did good in so long leaving her to me.
The Lord was good and did good in taking her from me.
So that is what we must claim now. The Lord was good and did good in creating this life. The Lord was good and did good in entrusting this life to us. The Lord was good and did good in taking this life from us. The Goodness of God is the bottom life - our only hope.
On a more joyful note, here are a TON of pictures for the grandmas.
Luke and Olivia and their buddy Madi playing dress-up. Could this get cuter?
I think we must get some dress-up clothes soon because this was so much fun for them.
They were so sweet to me when I returned home . Luke was right by my side for the first day asking me always if I was ok. Of course, Olivia still says there is a baby in her tummy.
Luke's preschool class took a field trip to a local chicken farm to see the new baby chicks. He was so excited, yet so nervous to hold the chick. 
Finally touching the fuzzy little thing
He and Madi did a lot of hand-holding that day, on their own doing! 
We've had some great spring weather (although it SNOWED on Forrest's birthday Mar 20!!). Olivia's jackets were dirty or the zipper was broken this day, so she had to wear Luke's. I love the blue shades, hair clip, and CARS jacket. What a combo.
She has become quite the little girl ,wanting to wear her necklace and bracelet all the time and carrying her purse. Last week as we were leaving to get Luke from preschool I said to her, "oh let me get my purse first." She said " MY PURSE TOO!" So yes my 21 month old had to hold her purse all the way in the stroller and found a nice rock to put in there too !
I've been forcing hair bows on her for a while but now I believe it's a necessity. If something is not in there, the curly madness takes over.
She posed this way on her own.
Someone loved their spaghetti tonight
We have a long way to go in the lady-like department, but she sure is cute now.
